I delivered a speech to a medium-sized audience, and I thought it was a good show. The organizers were happy. The audience was standing at the end still feeling the jolt of adrenaline from the speech’s final story. There were smiles on the faces of everyone in the room. I had that feeling of satisfaction. I gave them something good and they were appreciative. Almost everyone…
After a speech, I normally will mingle through the crowd, make some new friends, and listen to audience members tell me stories about loved ones with spinal cord injuries. I will stay and connect with the people for as long as the meeting organizer will allow.
Following a speech I gave last month, a millennial-aged woman with a half-snarl on her face approached me and said, “I am not a lady.” The change of context and tone set me back reeling without an appropriate response other than, “Excuse me?” “I am not a lady.” She repeated. My mind was a little foggy and flabbergasted about her meaning. “At the end of your speech you said, ‘Ladies and Gentlemen’ and I want you to know that I am not a lady.” She paused, but only briefly. “The term lady originates from the times in which women owned nothing. To be a lady meant that you were the property of another person. Nobody owns me.” She took a deep breath and blurted, “I’m not a gentleman either, in case you didn’t know.”
I was flummoxed and tried to apologize for offending her, but she cut me off. “You probably say that every time.” She’s right. I always thought it was proper to address people as ladies and gentlemen. “Well, it’s offensive to me.” She put her hands on her hips. My mind raced for what to leave her with. Part of me wanted to say, “if you think that’s offensive, then…” But that’s not where I wanted to go. So, I left her with this question, “Other than that word, did you enjoy the show?” She glared at me… for longer than I was comfortable. It was a glare that said, “I want to cut your head off.”
Welcome to Swimming in the Flood; a podcast where we develop the resilient leader’s mindset by navigating difficult currents in business. My name is Trent Theroux.
There must have been a memo that I missed about the proper way to address people in an audience. Maybe there were several memos that I missed while I was busy working two jobs and raising two children that times were changing in civil discourse.
I know that I missed the memo instructing me to complete my email signature line with he/him/his and to not look twice at they/them/ours. For this, I apologize. It also seems that I missed the memo about how quickly people get offended. A quarter century ago, I met a woman at a networking event. We talked for a bit, and I introduced her to one of my vendors. “This is Miss Long.” “It’s Mizz.” Okay…I got the message. She wants to be addressed as Mizz. She made her point. The vendor and I didn’t feel the slightest bit guilty for the minor trespass. Mizz Long. A very civil way to make a correction.
It feels very different now. There is a rancor which permeates many of these conversations that I cannot understand. Yes, I am a white, past middle age, male that often is slow on the uptake. Speaking for many of my ilk, we are not seeking to offend. We were raised in a different era and it may take a little more time to adjust to exactly how you would like to be addressed.
We are not hopeless. My third-grade teacher was Miss Donovan. She came into class one Monday and told us that she was now Mrs. Sweet. She was married over the weekend. That was easy to understand.
I enjoy the actress, Ellen Page. She was brilliant, sardonic and sarcastic in Juno. Recently, I watched the Umbrella Academy on Netflix. It appears that she is now Elliot Page. Same person. I get it. Elliot is a different person. Please, friends, in advance, forgive me once if I make a mistake. Miss Donovan was pretty good when we called her by the wrong name for a little while.
The discourse is getting louder and nastier. It feels like people are trying to find places where they can be offended. And it feels like this revolution is eating itself. Each new letter on the LGBTQIA+ string is trying to one up society with their vitriol. Please, we are not against you…most of us anyway. We would just like to understand without being yelled at.
It’s funny. Gen X had the exact same problems with the Baby Boomers. A few guys I knew had plenty of fights after they decided to wear an earring. The Baby Boomers had the exact same problems with the Greatest Generation after they protested wars, burned bras and draft cards.
I am now going to give you my unscientific, non-peer reviewed, resilient leader theory on discourse tolerance. Are you ready? Got your pencils out? Here’s it is. Spare The Guillotine. You heard it. Spare The Guillotine.
Most of you constant listeners recognize the guillotine from the French Revolution. But I’m not sure you appreciate how it was decided that today was your day to stand on the scaffolding to visit La Madame of Death.
The accepted beginning of the French revolution was the storming of the Bastille on July 14th, 1789. The rioting began for several reasons. First, France was divided into three estates, the clergy, the nobles, and the commons. For centuries, the commons had no voice in governing themselves. Second, massive government debts, a rapidly growing population and several bad crops led to large swaths of homeless and hungry citizens. Third, there was a regressive tax system which punished the third estate. Collectively, the mob stormed the bastille to tear down this symbol of oppression and to collect its cache of weapons and ammunition.
Revolutionists first decided that France needed a new constitution and crafted a document titled The Rights of Man. People who did not support the Rights of Man were brought to Madame La Guillotine. Here’s what that sounds like. Zip. Thud. Next. Then King Louis the XVI was next. He was clearly not a supporter. The ensuing Reign of Terror was underway. People who were viewed as noble or clergy and had oppressed the commoners were clearly not down with The Rights of Man. Zip. Thud. Next. Merchants who sold products at a higher cost than last year…even though their costs to buy were higher. Zip. Thud. Next. Anyone who was considered a counterrevolutionary was subject to this treatment.
Fine, we have a revolution. We need some changes. But here is where I start to lose faith in the changes. The new constitution was suspended because of this national crisis. People were not acting revolutionary enough. That was the new crisis. The Law of Suspects was passed, and it read that anyone suspected of not being revolutionary enough should be brought to Madame La Guillotine. 300,000 were arrested. 16,600 were killed because they were not progressive enough for the people running the show now.
The penultimate scene in this horror show came when the new leaders accused several of the revolution’s founders of not being progressive enough. The men that stormed the bastille, wrote the Rights of Man, dethroned, and executed the King, these men weren’t revolutionary enough for the progressive gang in charge. Zip. Thud. Next.
In some ways it feels like we are standing at the same scaffolding right now. My intentions of saying “Ladies and Gentlemen” is one of respect. And for the 70% of the audience that was women, I am sure that most approved. I am happy to correct. I am happy to learn how best to address people as they choose. I am happy to conform to societal changes. Please spare the guillotine. Spare us from having our heads chopped off for not being progressive enough.
A final note. The Jacobins. That’s the party that was running the show during the Reign of Terror. The Jacobins didn’t last very long. Public uprising about their indiscriminate head chopping lead to enormous backlash. The people got tired and burned their meeting hall to the ground. The next thing the Jacobins heard were three familiar sounds. Zip. Thud. Next.
Folks, thank you for listening to Swimming in the Flood. Resilient leaders face challenging currents, and it is tough navigating, but with one tack or another we can get there together.